One important aspect of building resilience is enhancing our self awareness including using the 'hot cross bun' to explore our thoughts, feelings and behaviours and remembering that thoughts are not facts.
Over the next few weeks, I’m sharing some tools for enhancing resilience - our ability to bounce from adversity . Resilience is not about being “happy” all the time. Nor is it about having to “grin and bear it”. Resilience is a skill we can develop that enables us to change our thoughts and behaviours and learn from difficult experiences. Today, I’m talking about ideas for enhancing mental agility, including seeing things from perspectives and being willing to try new strategies.
I’ve been working with Motion Alley to create short animations called “Life In Lockdown” to help explore wellbeing themes with children.
Here’s Episode One, where I talk to SK8TR Boy about the things he’s missing and how he’s using his imagination to help him.
In Episode Two, Rainbow Girl tells us why it’s good to find ways to express your emotions.
Why those small moments of connection in your day matter. And how we can continue to connect AND put some boundaries around our technology use.
Here’s Gillian’s article -
Accomplishment is important for our wellbeing. But that doesn't mean comparing ourselves with others or turning lockdown into a competition. Sometimes, our accomplishments will be the small steps we've taken to make it through the day.
If your mind starts to spiral with negative thoughts about the future, one way you can try to help yourself is to shift from 'what if' to 'what is'.
There are lots of other helpful self compassion ideas in Dr Eithne Hunt's article - https://thriveglobal.com/stories/keeping-it-together-when-it-feels-like-things-are-falling-apart/
Being in a state of "flow" (a theory developed by Mihály Csíkszentmihályi) can be really good for your wellbeing and allows your brain to move into a different way of functioning. When in flow, we usually lose a sense of time and feel fully engaged in the activity we're doing. Some people find it in music, sport, gaming, gardening, dancing, cooking, drawing...(the list is endless)
Where do you find your flow?
We need all our emotions. Sometimes it can be helpful to consciously find the balance, especially if negative emotions threaten to overwhelm us. One way we can do this is by focusing on the things we are grateful for. This isn't in any way to diminish the sadness or seriousness of the current situation. It's about giving ourselves a chance to notice that there are still good things in our lives.
Our stress response can help give us energy to rise to new challenges and harness our strengths. What strengths do you have that will help you in the days ahead?
Step 5: Accomplishments
This week, as part of “Mental Health Awareness Week” - which this year has its focus on body image - I’ve been writing a daily blog describing five foundations of wellbeing and happiness.
Martin Seligman, the founder of positive psychology, developed the PERMA model to show what we need in our lives to feel better both mentally and physically:
Accomplishments
This week, I’ve considered how each pillar can help us to see body image in a different light and to build towards a healthier mind and way of living. There are two aspects to body image:
how we think about ourselves and our bodies
how others perceive us and the effect that can have on our mental state
So, on day 5 of this series, we’re talking about accomplishments.
Working towards goals
We’re often at our best when we’re working towards longer term, meaningful goals. This might be at work, or could be related to hobbies, family or other areas of your life. And interestingly, neuroscientist Alex Korb says
“achieving the goal is often less important to happiness than setting the goal in the first place.”
So what’s the best way to set goals?
Stretching into a goal
The goals you set for yourself need to stretch you too (you won’t feel satisfied if they’re too easy!). A good way for keeping you on track is to break down your big goals into smaller ones. Make a plan that adopts a bronze, silver, gold approach and it’ll seem more manageable at the outset and, probably, more achievable in practice.
Try planning a WOOP
Psychologist Angela Duckworth, who specialises in understanding GRIT (what enables people to keep working towards difficult goals) recommends the practice of WOOP as one way to play around with goal setting. She says,
“You begin by identifying a wish or goal you want to achieve. Next, you mentally imagine one positive outcome of achieving this goal and one obstacle that stands in the way. This reflection sets you up for the final step: making a plan for how you can get around that obstacle”.
You can learn more about WOOP at Angela Duckworth’s Character Lab: https://vimeo.com/235975265
Grit helps us to bounce back when things don’t go well. But it’s not an innate characteristic that we’re either born with or not - it’s a skill we can learn, with practice.
What about goals related to body image?
As we’ve been exploring wellbeing in relation to body image this week, it's important to think about what’s helpful and unhelpful when it comes to setting goals related to our bodies. Many people want to set goals related to achieving a particular size or weight. And although these are specific and measurable goals, sometimes, regardless of the effort and good work you’ve been putting in, you may not feel like you’re getting closer to your goal.
A different way to look at this, might be to focus instead on what we call ‘process goals’. These are the actions you take everyday to help you move towards your goals. For example, instead of setting a goal to be a particular size, set yourself the goal of eating at least 5 fruits/vegetables per day and doing 30 minutes of exercise.
Self-compassion
As with all goals we set ourselves, it’s important to develop a healthy dose of self-compassion too – especially when we fail. We’ll all fail at some point, so being kind to ourselves at such times (rather than beating ourselves up about our failures) makes it much more likely that we’ll keep working towards our goals in the future. I think the hashtag for this year’s Mental health awareness theme says it all: #BeBodyKind.
So, as we come to the end of Mental Health Awareness week, I hope you’ve learned some new ways for taking care of your mental health. Please do get in touch, I love to hear feedback as it helps me know what I can improve and whether or not I’m on the right track in working towards my own goals too. Thanks for taking the time to read these blogs.
Bye for now, Hazel.
Step 4: Meaning
For “Mental Health Awareness Week” - which this year has its focus on body image - I’m writing a daily blog describing five foundations for wellbeing and happiness.
Martin Seligman, the founder of positive psychology, developed the PERMA model to show what we need in our lives to feel better both mentally and physically:
Positive emotion (Monday)
Engagement (Tuesday)
Relationships (Wednesday)
Meaning
Accomplishments
This week, I’ll consider how each pillar can help us to see body image in a different light and to build towards a healthier mind and way of living. There are two aspects to body image:
how we think about ourselves and our bodies
how others perceive us and the effect that can have on our mental state
Today, we’re talking about meaning.
“Shhhhh” that noisy voice
When we experience a dip in our body image, it’s often accompanied by a noisy and unhelpful voice in our heads. It shouts various types of abuse such as “You’re no good”, “You look awful”, “You’re hopeless”, “You’re useless” and so on. Although it can be hard to quieten this voice, one way is to remember we’re part of a bigger world – it’s not just ourselves. When we start to shift the spotlight away from ourselves and towards others, there are all kinds of benefits waiting to be unwrapped.
Why am I here?
There may have been a point in your life when you pondered this question “Why am I here?”. It can be a tough one to answer, and research suggests our sense of meaning and purpose changes throughout our life. In our teenage years, it can feel confusing; as we edge towards adulthood, we generally report a more stable sense of meaning. But that doesn’t mean that the answer to “Why?” remains the same.
What we do tend to see from the research is that those with a stronger sense of meaning and purpose also report better physical and mental health. Some studies have shown people with a strong sense of purpose tend to sleep better, live longer and reduce their risk of depression and strokes.
So, although there’s still plenty of unanswered questions in this area of research, we’re starting to create a picture that having a sense of meaning is important for us and our wellbeing. So, if you already feel you have a strong sense of meaning and purpose, go forth and do great things!
On the other hand, if you have no idea how to answer the question “Why am I here?”, read on.
Firstly, you’re not alone. It’s a question pondered quite regularly – and one that’s hard to answer – so be gentle with yourself. If I’m completely honest, I felt a little sheepish about writing today’s entry. What could I possibly add to the complex world of meaning and purpose? But then I remembered the fabulous words from Brene Brown, which I paraphrase in my own head as something like this:
“You gotta get in the arena. You might get your ass kicked, but your intentions are good and you’re doing something that matters to you”.
And it does matter. I started ThinkAvellana with one big mission – to bring clinical psychology (the mountains of research I’ve come to understand and the clinical work I’ve done) to a wider audience. An audience who might be able to use the knowledge I’m sharing to help themselves and others. I feel passionately that we should all learn how to take care of our mental health, so that we can live meaningful lives. And so, in that way, meaning matters to me a great deal.
Small acts. Big Changes.
However, creating a sense of meaning doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to create a big scary goal. (Although if you want to do that, go for it). Meaning can be discovered in other ways too, like consciously deciding to do something kind for someone else. Enabling others to feel good will often make us feel good too - and it can help take our mind off our own issues and our noisy, unhelpful self-critical voice. So if it starts to bark unhelpful comments, you might like to try taking the spotlight of your attention away from it, and shifting your attention to helping someone else.
Try it:
Plan a small act of kindness and carry it out. Notice how it makes you feel – and see how the other person reacts.
Step 3: Relationhips
For “Mental Health Awareness Week” - which this year has its focus on body image - I’m writing a daily blog describing each of the five foundations of wellbeing and happiness.
Martin Seligman, the founder of positive psychology, developed the PERMA model to show what we need in our lives to feel better both mentally and physically:
Positive emotion {link to Monday’s post}
Engagement {link to Tuesday’s post}
Relationships
Meaning
Accomplishments
This week, I’ll consider how each pillar can help us to see body image in a different light and to build towards a healthier mind and way of living. There are two aspects to body image:
how we think about ourselves and our bodies
how others perceive us and the effect that can have on our mental state
Building a sense of belonging
Today’s post, then, is about our relationships and investing our time and energy in nurturing close connections with others.
When we think about what keeps us healthy, things like exercise, diet and sleep are often at the top of the list. We don’t usually think about friendships, even though research shows that our social relationships have a significant impact on our physical and mental health during our lifespan.
“Don’t compare yourself to others"
There’s a page I love in Matt Haig’s book, Notes from A Nervous Planet, in which he promises 10 tips on how to be happy… then makes every tip identical.
“Do not compare yourself to other people"
I think this is particularly crucial when thinking about body image. In an age when it’s so easy to compare ourselves to anyone else in the world at the touch of a button, we can be flooded with images of the “perfect body”. And, according to the research, this is making us miserable. To stop this happening, we should try to notice when we’ve shifted into this negative comparison mindset and gently remind ourselves that this way of thinking isn’t helpful. It’s easier said than done, but it’s possible with practice and bucket-loads of kindness towards yourself.
Find your tribe
So, how can your relationships help you develop a positive body image?
Exercise is brilliant for our physical and mental health, yet it isn’t always easy to build a routine that you can sustain long term. And sometimes a negative body image can be a barrier too. This is where relationships really matter. When you exercise with others, it can be a massive win-win. You get the chance to catch up with friends, be supported (and support others), and revel in the feel-good hormones released.
Be cautious about the people to choose to exercise with. Do they feel like your tribe? Does it feel positive doing exercise with them? Try to focus on finding people who enrich this experience for you, and gently move away from those where it feels like everyone’s comparing themselves to each other.
Try it:
So today, if you notice yourself shifting into comparison mode (and we all do it from time to time, so you’re not alone), try to acknowledge that’s what you’re doing and remind yourself it’s not helping you.
You may also like to think about connecting with a friend and planning a lunchtime walk or after-work cycle (or any other exercise that you enjoy).
To mark “Mental Health Awareness Week” - which this year has its focus on body image - I’m writing a daily blog describing five foundations for wellbeing and happiness.
Martin Seligman, the founder of positive psychology, developed the PERMA model to show what we need in our lives to feel better both mentally and physically:
Positive emotion
Engagement
Relationships
Meaning
Accomplishments
This week, I’ll consider how each pillar can help us to see body image in a different light and build towards a healthier mind and way of living. Body image has two important aspects:
how we think about ourselves and our bodies
how others perceive us and the effect that can have on our mental state
Yesterday we were talking about positive emotion and body image.
Today’s post is about the second of those pillars, engagement. This is the feeling you get when you really lose yourself in something; your attention is absorbed and you’re focused.
Being in this state of mind brings a host of benefits. These include feeling more connected with life and less isolated, having a stronger sense of self, and possessing more self-belief.
Finding your flow
One way that we can build engagement is to find activities that are pitched at the right level for us. By “right”, I mean that they’re not so easy that we get bored and not so hard that we feel overwhelmed or anxious.
When we find this middle ground, psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi calls it ‘flow’. Whenever we move into this flow state, we’re fully engaged with the task that’s immediately at hand and not easily distracted by other things.
In the wellbeing workshops I run with businesses, I enjoy getting into conversations about flow. I’m fascinated how this intense state of engagement can be found in such a diverse range of activities, including cooking, surfing, gardening, knitting, hiking, and running.
Engagement and body image
So how do we enhance our body image using the concept of flow? When we’re in this state, we’re often doing something that's challenging and yet ultimately rewarding for us. So perhaps an activity that’s good for our bodies (and minds) would fit the bill?
I’m thinking of yoga. If you’ve never tried it, don’t despair - there are loads of great community classes out there and you can also practise at home. I really like Yoga With Adriene (find her on YouTube), where I’m encouraged to ‘find what feels good’ and ‘focus on sensation’ rather than pushing my body into a perfect yoga pose.
When we focus on what it feels like to do that activity, rather than what we look like (or whether we’re doing it perfectly), we're cultivating a really positive body image for ourselves.
So I encourage you to think about the activities you do where there’s just the right balance between challenge and skill, where you lose your sense of time. Make time for these things, especially those that can help you feel good about your body too.
In tomorrow’s post, I’ll be looking at the third PERMA pillar: relationships.
5 steps to better mental and physical health
Step 1: Positive emotion
To mark “Mental Health Awareness Week” - which this year has its focus on body image - I’m writing a daily blog describing five foundations for wellbeing and happiness.
Martin Seligman, the founder of positive psychology, developed the PERMA model to show what we need in our lives to feel better both mentally and physically:
Positive emotion
Engagement
Relationships
Meaning
Accomplishments
This week, I’ll consider how each pillar can help us to see body image in a different light and build towards a healthier mind and way of living. Body image has two important aspects:
how we think about ourselves and our bodies
how others perceive us and the effect that can have on our mental state
Looking for what’s good
Today’s post, then, is about positivity - the idea that we should look for the good rather than focus on the bad. This doesn’t imply an approach to life where you believe that bad things won’t happen; they will! Instead, it’s about adopting a positive mindset in adversity - however big or small - and beyond those moments, too.
We can interpret situations in all sorts of ways, even though many may be out of our control (and therefore not a reason for being self-critical). In those parts of life where we feel that we are managing well, the failures can seem larger or more important - and may, as a result, mean that we think less of ourselves.
To be more positive and, consequently, kinder to ourselves, we have to recognise that events aren’t good or bad. Rather, it’s our interpretation of those events, and the meaning we attach to them, that give them a value. And these values, derived from our initially positive or negative thoughts about situations, can drive us into an upwardly positive cycle - or go the other way.
Cultivating gratitude
One way of savouring what’s good is to cultivate gratitude - an approach I’ve blogged about before.
Positive emotion and body image
The concept of body image can provide us with plenty of opportunities for feeling positive about ourselves. Although we can sometimes be tempted to focus more on the things we don’t like.
Have you ever spent time feeling grateful for how your body WORKS?
When we move from thinking about the negatives - ‘this bit is too big’ or ‘this bit is too flabby’, to ‘wow, that muscles just allowed me to get up from my chair’ or ‘I’m feeling stronger in my back today’ we are cultivating gratitude towards ourselves and generating positive emotion (- one of the core foundations of wellbeing).
So why not try it today? Spend a minute just noticing all the amazing things about you and your body. Acknowledge the parts of yourself that are working hard to help you perform everyday and supporting you to do the things you want to do.
Here’s a few from my list:
My legs - thanks for being strong and allowing me to walk to the places I want to go, and even to run if I’m a bit late!
My fingers - thanks for connecting with my brain and allowing me to type this blog post on my computer.
My eyes - thanks for working well and letting me see the beautiful colours emerging in my garden. And for being so similar to my Mum’s eyes, that when I look in the mirror, I see her too.
Tomorrow, we’ll be exploring ENGAGEMENT and I’ll be sharing more tips about how we can build a positive body image and support our wellbeing.
Last year I wrote an article called ‘How To Teach Your Kids About The Brain’ that I hoped a few of my friends might see… to date, it’s actually been read over 100,000 times.
I continue to get emails about it from people all over the world, commenting on my ideas and sharing theirs. Many adults tell me that they didn’t realise their brains worked in the ways I described - and that having this new understanding has really helped them. One of the ideas that has resonated with people is that naming emotions and brain functions can help us understand the brain better. Let’s focus on what I called “Frightened Fred” (which you might call Frieda, Froggy, or any other creative name you can think of).
Frightened Fred’s got the volume control:
The part of our brain designed to keep us safe is Frightened Fred (along with his friends Big Boss Bootsy and Alerting Allie) who can trigger our ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ response. This part of the brain has been brilliantly effective in the survival of humankind, but it can also get in the way of our daily living sometimes. We have become GREAT at listening to Frightened Fred and spotting the potential pitfalls at every turn: “Did that person in the supermarket just give me a dodgy look?” “Is that chap standing a bit too close to my kids?”
We are primed to take care of our own survival and that of our off-spring. Some days, Fred turns up the volume and we focus all our attention on these risks, potential dangers, failures and worst-case scenarios.
Sometimes I listen to Fred. Sometimes I don't.
Recently, I was invited to speak at a big conference next year. I came off the phone feeling dizzy with excitement. I sat down with a huge grin on my face and allowed the feelings of self- congratulatory praise to come flooding in. Except they didn’t. Fred started making an appearance. “What if I make a terrible mistake?” “What if I face-plant on stage?” “What if I quote someone’s research and that person is actually there, and they tell me I’ve got it all wrong?”
“What if…?” “What if…?”
Let me slow this down. Fred sees the potential threat of a big crowd looking at me. Fred decides to warn me: “Don’t do it, it will end in tears!”
Sometimes I listen to Fred (remember he IS trying to keep me safe) and sometimes he is silenced by Problem Solving Pete and Calming Carl. They say things like: “But what’s the best that could happen?” and “If the worst case scenario does happen, you’ll still be okay - except perhaps for face-planting, you may need medical assistance for that one.”
How do we learn to turn down the hum of unhelpful negativity from Frightened Fred?
Here’s one way: Gratitude
In Woods, Froh and Geraghty's review of the gratitude research they explain gratitude as “noticing and appreciating the positive in the world”. This could include: the appreciation of other people’s help; feelings of awe when we see something amazing; focusing on the positive in the ‘here and now’ moments; or an appreciation rising from the understanding that life is short.
Grateful Gerty
Let me introduce you to Grateful Gerty, our brain’s gratitude representative. The research tells us that building up Grateful Gerty’s strength is associated with a whole host of benefits. Gerty can make Frightened Fred simmer down and reduce anxiety. Expressing gratitude provides a path to more positive emotions. People who express more gratitude have also been found to have better physical and psychological health.
Robert Emmons is one of the world leading gratitude researchers. Here’s what he says about the benefits:
“We’ve studied more than one thousand people, from ages eight to 80, and found that people who practice gratitude consistently report a host of benefits:
Physical
• Stronger immune systems
• Less bothered by aches and pains
• Lower blood pressure
• Exercise more and take better care of their health
• Sleep longer and feel more refreshed upon waking
Psychological
• Higher levels of positive emotions
• More alert, alive, and awake
• More joy and pleasure
• More optimism and happiness
Social
• More helpful, generous, and compassionate
• More forgiving
• Feel less lonely and isolated
• More outgoing”
So how does it work?
When we search for things to be grateful for, neuroscientist Alex Korb explains that this activates the part of our brain that releases dopamine (the feel-good hormone) and it can also boost serotonin production (low levels of this neurotransmitter are associated with depression). Or, to put it another way: on Halloween, Gerty’s the one handing out the treats.
Gratitude can change our thinking habits. Regularly spotting the good things in our life can also make it more likely that (even when we're not looking for them) we see more positives.
And gratitude works on a social level too. It can help us feel more connected to others, which in turn can improve our well-being.
So how do you strengthen Gerty?
Grab a journal and, before you go to sleep each night, write 3 things that went well that day and why you think they went well. Keep doing it for a week. That’s it.
When I first read the research on gratitude, I felt like there must have been some pages missing. “So, they wrote about things they were grateful for, and then they…”? But no. It really is as simple as that.
As Froh and Bono point out, we can be great at analysing why we’re anxious or sad. But when we’re happy, we don’t often stop to ponder why. Mainly because when we are experiencing positive emotions, it's a signal that all is well in the world; we can relax and enjoy ourselves.
Keeping a gratitude journal allows us to focus on the positive things. It teaches us how to strengthen Gerty’s ability to spot them in the first place - and how to savour them. Some people worry that they won’t be able to find anything to be grateful for. While it’s true that some days the searching may be harder than on others, Korb reminds us that “it’s not finding gratitude that matters most; it’s remembering to look in the first place.”
There will always be more important things than gratitude.
Pets will need taking to the vets, reports will need to be finished, kids will need feeding, cups will need cleaning… gratitude can quickly fall down the ‘to do’ list. But that’s the challenge with taking a proactive approach to well-being. It’s hard to prioritise because you can’t easily see the things you’re preventing.
You may be preventing the onset of depression or anxiety. You may be moving yourself further up the well-being spectrum towards thriving. But scientifically, it would be very hard to prove that.
Be a scientist of your own world.
Just like we know why it’s good to eat healthily and exercise, my mission is to help share the research on ways that we can all take better care of our well-being. I want people to have access to evidence-based ways to improve their mental health.
Some of these ideas might work for you, some of them might not. So, what I’d encourage you to do is this: become a scientist of you own life, and if you decide to try keeping a gratitude journal, observe how it feels for you.
And maybe, just maybe, Gerty will give out some treats.
Recently, while browsing through the stationery section of a big department store, I was struck by the number of notebooks and journals with messages written on the front. The research on priming demonstrates what happens when we're faced with the same message regularly: our thoughts, feelings and behaviour can all be influenced. There’s plenty of evidence for how athletes use this idea of priming to their advantage.
Some of the inscriptions on the journals said ‘Be Happy Always’ or ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’. They were beautiful, pastel-coloured journals, embellished with gold pineapples. But something about them made me feel a little uncomfortable. I wondered about the effect of these messages.
I’m a big advocate for positive psychology and ways to enhance well-being. My training in clinical psychology has also allowed me to study the importance of the (so called) ‘negative emotions’.
We can’t be happy all the time. This just isn’t a realistic goal and, while I imagine that the makers of these beautiful journals understand this, they also know we're seduced by the idea that a permanent state of happiness is attainable.
We've been gifted with such an amazing spectrum of emotions, and they all have an important place in our lives. Imagine if we didn’t allow ourselves to feel all those emotions. If we weren't sad when someone shared devastating news, or weren't worried when our teenagers didn't come home after a party.
When we try to aim for 'happy all the time' I think we can also open ourselves up to self-criticism - and close the door to self-compassion. I loved the editorial in the latest Flow magazine (Issue 15), where Irene and Astrid talked about aiming for ‘good enough’ and not trying to be superhuman and brilliant at everything.
Barbara Fredrickson’s groundbreaking research on positive emotions revealed the importance of negative emotion in our lives. She has found enough data to support the idea that there's an optimal ratio of positive to negative emotions. Achieving this ratio makes it more likely that we can build positive relationships with others and strengthen our resilience and well-being.
The magic number is 3. If, on average, we can achieve 3 positive emotional experiences to every negative 1, her theory suggests we are building our well-being. Notice that she doesn't suggest a ratio of 3:0. So, perhaps the Be Happy Always journal could have a little sub-heading "Except on the 1 out of 4 occasions that you aim not be happy"?
After some searching in that shop, I came across a journal with ‘I’m doing my best’ on the front cover. To me, this seems like one of the most important messages to use to prime my brain. There is comfort and compassion in this phrase, since it allows for the good days and the not-so-good ones. It motivates me when needed, but also quietly sits alongside me on the days when "my best" might not feel very productive.
I handed the journal to the cashier. ‘Cute’ she said, scanning the item. I smiled, ‘Cute... and realistic’ I said.
If you want to discover your positivity ratio you can take Fredrickson's evidence based assessment here. If it's not as high as you'd like, be gentle with yourself (perhaps even try saying 'I'm doing my best'), stick with me and find out what the research says about how journals can improve our positivity in my next blog post.